"I know you better than you know yourself!" my stepfather would shout at me while he sat across the kitchen table. 

Throughout my childhood and my teen years I heard this whenever I was forced to sit through one of his "lectures". Humiliating me verbally and wrenching my sense of self out of my heart was his way of controlling me. It's no wonder I left home at age 16, an angry and confused girl. 

But I believe everything happens for a reason. If he hadn't drilled those words into my brain, words that to this day make me want to pull my hair out, I wouldn't have been inspired to tell you about how important it is to know yourself. 

Were you told the same thing I was? If it wasn't said to you directly, did you ever feel as though someone out there thought they knew what was best for you more so than you did? Think about it for a moment; look at the TV commercials, magazine ads, and so-called "experts" who try to convince us that we are so out of touch with who we are suppose to be, that we need their product to make us human again. Having your individuality taken away from you is the ultimate violation.

WHAT MAKES YOU UNLIKE ANYONE ELSE 

Here is another question you can answer either on your own or you can e-mail me with your answers: 

-What 3 things make you unique?

When you have had your sense of self stolen from you, it's like being stripped of your freedom and being locked in a prison cell. The walls of your cell aren't made of cold, grey concrete. Those walls are build from shame. 

Shame is the feeling you have when you feel you've done something bad. Or worse, when you think you are a bad person. There is a good kind of shame and a bad kind of shame. 

-Imagine you and a friend are at a movie theatre. You begin to talk loudly to your companion. The entire row of people in front of you begins to notice. They turn in their seats to glare at you. Seeing how you have begun to get unwanted attention, you begin to feel embarrassed. This is good shame because it sets off warning bells inside you and chances are you respond by talking quieter. 

-Imagine if you go home after the movie and convince yourself you are a horrible person because you caused a disturbance. You tell yourself you probably ruined everyone's evening and vow never to go to another movie again. This is bad shame. Can you see why? 

Shame is a natural emotion. What isn't natural is to use shame as if it were a sharp knife to wound yourself with time and time again. Also, it isn't natural to allow another human being to take hold of this weapon and use it to constantly damage you. 

Ninety-nine percent of the time we feel shame because of a mistake we made in the past. 

LET GO OF THE PAST! 

You know you can't change it. You know the past mainly exists as a collection of perceptions in your mind. Those perceptions can either weight you down and keep you stuck in a place in your life that makes you miserable. Or, they can help you to learn about who you are and propel you forward in your life. Whatever decisions you made in the past, which you perceive as mistakes, are choices you made based on what you felt was right for you then and there. You did what you judged to be necessary at the time. You don't need to feel ashamed for doing that. 

I don't believe you can achieve any goal until you know yourself first. You have to know who you are, what you are capable of, and what you want out of your life. 

The first step to getting to know yourself completely is... YOU HAVE TO FORGIVE YOURSELF (I'll explain ways of doing this in the next issue.) 

Think about this for a moment; on the inside you are feeling shame because of your past. On the outside people are trying to make you feel even more shame because of how you choose to live your life in the present. Talk about overload! What do you think all of that shame does to you? It makes you fear yourself. You may become so afraid in fact that you are scared to death to take a good hard look in the mirror and see who you really are. That fear makes you numb. It's impossible to feel true joy or passion or even anger when you are numbed by fear. Don't let anyone or any memory have that kind of control over you. Forgiving yourself will help free you from that prison and will open up a new world of possibilities.

REMEMBERING... 

Remember on your own, or tell me about, the times when you: -felt totally satisfied -you didn't care what anyone thought -you felt free

Look at your entire life. Look at what you have survived through. Look at what you have accomplished. Celebrate who you are.

FINAL THOUGHTS 

Think of getting to know yourself in the same way you learned how to use your computer. If you wanted to use your computer for something, you had to learn the basics. And you did. You never learned everything about your computer overnight, but you're learning new things all the time. Your life is the same way. Compare the anxiety you might have felt the first time you sat at your computer to the sense of confidence you probably feel now. Think of the endless possibilities your computer offers. Your life is no different.

Until next time...be well.

Forever always,

Wendy